WHAT the serious fuck is this nightmare I awoke to?!!!
I
have murder-fatigue: a hangover of emotions weighing down and threatening to
crush my tender heart. I could retreat into myself and “my own”, disavowing any
connection with life on Earth. However, reality does not allow me to hide
away so easily. Reality is raw and real and two sensations
in particular - sadness and anger – continue to reverberate into my
consciousness via the cacophony of events. Through the din, I can’t fully
distinguish which wail is the shrillest. Yet, I do know that an inner calling
has inspired me to try and find out.
So far, here’s the tally:
§
Sadness that, in two consecutive days, two
innocent men were straight up murdered by those we entrusted with our safety
and, basically, lives. Shot dead by people who likely shouldn't have even been
awarded a badge in the first place. Heartbroken that families – children, no
less!, were witnesses to these murders and will never, EVER be able to erase
those images from their souls – forgiveness given, or not.
§
Anger that in retaliation, a vigilante took it
upon himself to play judge, jury and executioner on a group that, based on
their geography and actions, didn’t have anything immediate to do with
previously stated murders. They were, in fact, a calming, protective force, doing their job with integrity just moments before being methodically executed. Tit for Tat – Eye for an Eye…
and all that bullshit.
§
Sadness in seeing the leader of the United States of America, OUR country, wearily
standing up, ONCE AGAIN, to report on the atrocities that citizens have
committed on fellow citizens. His sorrow and frustration emanating like a dirge
from his lips.
§
Anger…No! RAGE that a former congressman has the
audacity to willfully ignore the laws of this land and openly spew treasonous
messages to the masses by calling for war, no less, against the President of
our country, as well as against citizens whose reality doesn’t fit lock-stepped
into his own bitter narrow-mindedness. And – disgust, that there likely will be
no repercussions to these and similar actions.
§
Profound sadness that too many of my dearest
friends are in a constant state of fear and anguish about their children’s
lives and futures – all because of the color of their skin!
§
Anger that I too fear for them, with every beat
of my heart, and that in 2016 racism is still even a fucking issue we have to confront
– or neglect, as has been the case!
§
Sadness that everyone (myself included, at
times), cannot seem to tear loose from the role of apologists in the tangled
web of self- or group justifications for thoughtless actions or inactions. Embarrassed
that “privilege” is now such a fully charged word, yet it is common practice to
over generalize and pass responsibility onto “the government,” or “that group
over there,” and not realize that WE ARE the government, AND that group, too!
§
Anger that too many are now emboldened by the deluded
mentality of, “Just sayin’ it like it is…”, without an iota of human decency,
civility, or even truth: all swaddled in privilege (yes, I said privilege) and
clinging to an “us” and “them” attitude – “Us” being righteous, “Them” being
evil, or worse: different. For those who rely on pseudo-victimhood, solely for
the purpose of not exerting any effort into making their own (nor anyone
else’s) lives better and more purposeful. These conceits are second only to the
disregard of our planet itself, in destructive power.
§
Sadness, that regular, ordinary people, leading
regular, ordinary lives in Newtown, Orlando, Libya, Turkey and Iraq were
annihilated while simply learning, dancing, living, shopping, traveling, just
BE-ing (and for some, during their holiest of days)! And more sadness that THIS
particular list is missing FAR too many additional massacres, and could go on seemingly
ad infinitum!
§
Anger that the US of NRA has been completely
silent regarding a licensed gun owner’s rights being MORE than violated when he
was shot point-blank while attempting to show his legal possession papers. Perhaps
it takes a lot longer to write up a justification to cover up racism, than it
does to blatantly lie and say that the government (remember – that’s us!) wants
to take away everyone’s guns? No. No, they really don’t. Additionally,
regarding allowing those assault rifles to be in the hands of “regular” Americans…? Isn’t that what
killed the Dallas Police officers?
Oh my heart!
Sadly, I can continue with this topic, but for what purpose?
Will one emotion eventually outdo the other? Hell, while I’m at it, I could
shift topics and list the sadness and anger I feel for myself and for too many
of my friends and countless other women around the world who have been abused,
violated, taunted and traumatized – simply for being born female.
But I won’t. I can’t.
The effort of bringing to light the sadness and anger within
me has drained me of energy. All I’m left with at the moment is an ethereal emptiness
of utter helplessness…
What, then, inspired me to exhaust myself with this exercise?
I have to believe it was hope that sang quietly to me today. I have to believe
that once a person can exhaust feelings of helplessness and alienation; when one
is able to shake off the false pressures of humanness, then our innate spark
can be kindled, (re)lighting the spirit of love and connectedness.
So, perhaps,
after a rest, hope will once again lighten up my soul.
~Peace to All
